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SPOOF MOVIE LISTINGS AND LIES
LISTINGS -1-2-3 / FEATURES -1-2

CROCODILE DUNDEE IV: DEEP DIGERIDOO-DOO
Paul Hogan's uncouth Aussie is back, and this time it's below mediocre. Turfing up in London, Dundee find himself surrounded by Australian backpackers and barmen. Hilarity does not ensue as Mick's fellow countrymen readily accept his uncivilised ways. Frustrated, the Castlemaine XXXX-fuelled leather-faced moron storms Buckingham Palace in an attempt to moon the Queen, only to be cut down in a hail of gunfire.

LASSIE GETS PUT DOWN
The 60-year-old bitch's sentimental last adventure. 'What's that, Lassie? Your hind legs have stopped working?' asks young Timmy. Luckily, there's time to extinguish a fire at the old mill before Lassie gets the needle and Timmy gets a new dog - a cool pitbull, just like all his mates have got. Contains long drawn-out scenes of Lassie galloping towards 'the light'.

TEEN SLASH VII
After inexplicably accepting a lift from a bi-polar lorry driver with a hook for a hand, two inappropriately dressed college girls are taken on a loud, long, and crushingly banal journey into the very heart of hell. Can they provide the full quota of hysterical screaming and needless breast bearage in the face of such terror?

THE LAND WHERE TIME FORGOT TO STAND STILL
Bum-faced adventurer Doug McClure journeys into the future in a subterranean time-travelling submarine. Encountering a host of CGI dinosaurs, McClure finds that his long pointy stick, originally designed to combat stop motion creatures, is entirely ineffective. McClure's desperate climatic battle ranks among the most unrealistic ever filmed.

SOPHOMORE TEEN MULCH
It's fall semester, and Greek week on campus. The pledged sophomores and hazed freshmen of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity have their mucky eyes set on the Theta Pi Omicron sorority house. Avoid the jocks! Chug that keg! These students major in booty! Confused? All British viewers need to know is that 'hooters' means 'tits'.

CAST A DEADLY SHADOW
John Cast was the world's scariest serial killer until he was tracked down and absolutely killed by ruthless cop Dick Kickshit. Now he's inexplicably back - as a wisecracking ghost! Claiming his innocence, Cast swears revenge on the real killer - the dastardly cop-turned-psycho who turned him into a ghoulish spectre!

SHIT, ACTUALLY
Lowest common denominator pleasing rom-com penned by Richard 'I'm not crap, I wrote Blackadder' Curtis. A hotch-potch of criss-crossed middle class lovers run around a sanitised picture-postcard London and recite dull sub-ITV sitcom dialogue, peppered with winks and nods to fans of Heat magazine, and lengthy exposition for US audiences.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Occupation
Beefcake
Date of birth
30/06/1947
Location
Styrofoam, Austria
Fave Pie
Cow

Biography:
Hilariously clever Arnold Schwarzenegger is as big as he is large. With several limbs and a kind of head, Arnold has become quite literally one of Hollywood's favourite vacuous movie-star-cum-politicians, and only 37% as mad as Ronald Reagan.

Filmography:
Hercules Goes Bananas ... Hercules Chinstrap
Conan The Mentalist ... Conan Toppingly-Bell
The Terminator ... Kevin Terminator
Kleptomaniac Cop ... Mel Japonica
Terminator XVI: Darren Day ... Kevin Terminator
Lost Action Hero ... Mapless Sinew
Terminator XXVVII: Rise Of The Mohicans ... Kevin Terminator

Jonathan's brother likes every rubbish movie ever made:
Plan 9 From Outer Space "Sci-Fi-fan-flipping-tastic! *****"
The Postman "Costner delivers - again! *****"
Striptease "Two cobbler's thumbs up! *****"
Battlefield Earth "The REAL greatest story ever told! *****"
Gigli "Afleck and Lopez have never been better! *****"
Citizen Kane "Didn't like it. Not a fan."